Morning Head: The news is depressing

Sarah Burke is a freestyle skier, which explains why every picture of her is with some sort of snowy background. That's also how you know her tan is fake.

No, the graph at this link is not a mountain range, it's the stock market's reaction to what it expected the monthly jobs report to say. It was the worst single day in the market since 2008, when everything went to hell, and it made for a lot of pictures of despondent traders on television. (CNN Money)

That job report came out today, and, SURPRISE (!), it was better than expected. If you lived your life like the stock market, you would slit your wrist before every yearly doctor's visit or pull out your own teeth before visiting the dentist because, hey, you might get some bad news. (CNN Money)

The Tigers did not finish a sweep the Texas Rangers Thursday, which on it's own is disappointing. But if I had told you on Monday the Tigers were about to take two of three from the Rangers, you would have been happy. So be happy, for crying out loud. Today, the Tigers start a series in Kansas City. Nothing is "must-win" yet, but for God's sake, beat the fucking Royals, please. (DetNews)

The new Collective Bargaining Agreement was ratified by the players Thursday, and it includes HGH testing. I admire this. I also think we're about to find out that a shit-ton of NFL players are on HGH. (ESPN)

How well are Michigan and Notre Dame recruiting so far in this cycle? They're now turning away top-tier defensive tackles in August. The pulling of Tommy Schutt's offer has led to much message board teeth-gnashing and speculation from both Irish and Wolverine fans, as it's a common belief that you can never have too many elite defensive lineman. It's being reported that it's space issues for both schools. The fact that Florida also pulled his offer (allegedly), however, means he probably killed an underage hooker. (Chicago Tribune)

Michael Beasley is handling the NBA lockout well. When a picture of you with a shit-ton of marijuana is the second worst thing you've been caught on camera doing, you're not doing it right. (The Big Lead)

Today's Amazingness is some Louis C.K.: