Profiles in Pussyism: Joe Thornton

Yo, what's up. Big Joe Thornton here.

/Picks up dumbbell, passes it to unsuspecting teammate

Don't know if you're aware, but I just scored a pretty big goal against the Los Angeles Kings to get my team to the second round of the playoffs. It was the 17th goal of my playoff career, and it only took me 97 games to get there. It also was apparently a "game-winning goal." I'm not really sure what that is, but Joe Pavelski tells me I did good.

/Orders Jager bomb, pays for it, slides it back to the bartender who has turned her back

I may play center, but I'm the perfect wing man. Get it? A wing is another position in hockey. Shut up.

/takes pen and paper from autograph seeker, hands it to Dany Heatley

Some may look at the fact that I "don't score goals in big situations" and see that as me being a failure. They might point to the fact that I was "pointless in a seven-game series" while I was with the Bruins. Well I like to point out that I dominated the Swiss Elite league during the lockout. Eat it, bitches.

/Makes a protein shake, tips it toward mouth and quickly tosses it at Patrick Marleau's back

Some also might say that I like to take "cheap shots" when I get frustrated. Shit, those ain't cheap shots. Dollar-fifty lemon drops, those are cheap shots. Amiright?

/Punches stranger in the back of the neck

No Stanley Cups? Pshh, that ain't my fault. I'm just a No. 1 pick that's been surrounded by superb talent for most of my career. What do you expect me to do, lead my team? C'mon, that's for losers. I'm all about racking up assists and buying Affliction shirts. Bitches.

/Raises cup of Heineken above his head, passes it to unsuspecting bar patron next to him